After I first found out about my husband’s addiction to pornography I wanted to cover myself with the biggest baggiest clothes I could find. I felt so betrayed; so incredibly violated. In the weeks and months following I had starkly contrasting emotions. I floundered between shielding myself from him and wanting to be attractive to him. I yearned to feel beautiful. I didn’t want him to look elsewhere, so I tried to draw his attention when we were together. I found myself using my body to try and draw that attention. Inadvertently I began basing my worth to him on how “sexy” I was, which made me feel extremely vulnerable and at war with myself. I knew I wanted to feel loved; to feel attractive. I desired to feel wanted and needed. But I also knew I wanted pure love. I wanted sweet untainted love. I needed devotion. I longed to be cherished. In moments of difficult truth I saw how at times I was baiting myself as an object for him to feel the “love” I was desperately seeking. I thought if I could just be “enough” he would come to me and wouldn’t look outside our marriage. I have gradually come to feel and know that I am not a mistake. God does not make mistakes. My bosom size, hip size, and thigh size were not errors of my Creator; though they are scrutinized at every turn by the world. My body is a gift from God and I needed to start treating it like one so my husband would too. I am made in His image. He makes no mistakes. Thankfully I held onto these truths and knew I didn’t want to alter my values or my body to be more “sexy”. Looking back, I can’t thank my Heavenly Father enough for that reassurance. As I have sifted through the lies of the world and the lies my husband had come to believe, I can see clearly now that “sexy” is not at all what he needs. He does not need another object. That was his addiction talking, and addictions are never satisfied. I would never be enough in that world, no matter how close I came to the worlds’ picture of perfection. I know now that I should never objectify myself for him, because that will not help either of us. What he needs is a real woman. I have learned some powerful things about real women. Real women are strong of courage; indeed they have unmatched strength. They follow the tender quiet feelings of their heart. They are not sexy, nor aspire to be seen in that light. They are regally modest, hard-working, honest, generous, and spiritual. They rely on God and trust in Him. They are confident, not counterfeit. Their looks do not define them because they possess many more substantial dimensions. They are genuinely happy! They are emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy. They are full of hope and feel good about themselves and the world around them. A real woman is supportive of her husband and is devoted to him, even when life is difficult. They possess charity. That is the kind of woman my recovering husband can learn to truly respect and cherish with pure sweet love. May I ever strive to be a real woman!
You can read the rest of my story here: http://www.healingspousesofpornography.com/my-story/